I received a call from my oncology team today. Good news. My kappa free light chain count has dropped down to 7 from around 70 last month and well over 100 the previous month. This means that the new protocol which includes a IV administered drug called Krypolis is working, even though the protocol has been interrupted several times since we started it due to various respiratory infections. Once again, I am fortunate that the Dr. and her team have extended my life span once again. I have had pretty close to five years of damn good luck, and it looks like I might have a bit more…
There is a trick to handling this good luck though. Each bit of good luck is preceded by the news that the previous protocol has run its course of efficacy and that the kappa free light chain count is on the rise. That leads to questions of a) what is the next protocol? b) will it work? c) what will the side effects be like? The sort of unasked questions are, a) is there another protocol waiting in the wings? b) am I ready for the ‘not so lucky’ answer?
The simple answer to all of those questions is what I stick with, and it is what I live by: ‘ appreciate every day, do what one can do to enjoy today without damaging tomorrow, and don’t look beyond that’ It is really the only rational and reasonably logical approach when any form of cancer is involved from my point of view. That said, I can tell you that the rational and logical approach is not so easy as it is simple. Were I only more like my hero Mr. Spock…. .
The answer to that final question: I think so. There are some logistical issues that need to be taken care of yet, but those are on my task list. The ‘am I ready’ question is easy to give the strong and wise response to. But it is in truth a simple question, and there are no easy answers to simple questions. One can only go through the process of reaching the time when the question will answer itself, and then accept the answer, whatever it might be. There is a basic precept of most faiths including that of the Christian faith: Let God deal with what one can’t know. And this is one of the few places in my life where I allow that to be my approach. I am not a big fan of ‘leaving everything to God’ as it smacks of lazyness and irresponsibility to me. But when one runs into the truly unknown, something which is out of ones own predictive capacity, then it is time to simply let God own it and let it go. That is the best I can do with that question. The bothersome thing is, that I have to reaffirm that approach to myself every time a protocol stops working. That is a small price to pay, but it must be paid.
Nobody gets out of this without paying a price… . I probably should be stronger about it, bitch about it less. But then I guess that is the price my family and friends pay for being …well… family and friends. Ya’ll get to put up with my bitchen’.